Getting Over Getting Over It   Leave a comment

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I spend most all of  my time avoiding the fact that I’m alone with no one to relate to, with no one to love, without anybody to dream and laugh with, without that special other who completely loves me, knows me, and what I need., when I need it. How to touch me, how to inspire me, motivate me, spending all of our time doing exactly what we want and need to do for ourselves, individually and carving all of the best times out for what we need and desire and lust for within each other.

I’m not so naïve to the truth of what I am hiding from,  deep inside I realize, somehow I know, I feel it, that the window of time for that special other has all but closed. The more my senses fall to the wayside, the wider that gap becomes. I must avoid my emptiness, my fear, my aloneness, my love that I did not get to give. It’s welled up inside of me for so long, with nowhere to go it eats at me and distorts me and blends the perfect hallow night  .. .         

         peacock w_me 770x207 - blog_somedays 

.. . into what was sacred and bright and full of lull to the movements of oceanic tides that have washed in from
a far to beckon our return to the sea, in the sunshine, in the grace, in the beauty, in the mystery, in the wholeness of grandeur, to reflect the sparkle of light off of the waves in the water, upon our eyes and out to the universal rays of knowing and in having and in belonging.

                                                                                        

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I’m in a cave now, it’s been closing in on me. I’m not full,
or bright … I need to be fed the beauty of life, to make it real again.

And I cannot hold this void in denial. The duration, as is casts loom and fears I cannot endure.

I cannot endure the thought of ending up in the galley
of the deepest, darkest, wryly, churning tides that spin without care and toss you upon the deadened sea. alone.

                                                                                          

Yet to avoid is like living blind, blind to the essence of all that I fear that I’ve lost or perhaps know that I still possess – this is a battle I must conquer, soon.

I don’t have that many “Someday’’ ‘s .

I don’t want to look back at the World without anything to hold onto, something real, .. . to caress me forevermore.

 

world luminescence - luminescent

 

aeh | H.T.B.
1/15/2014

Sitting Pretty   Leave a comment

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.

Sitting Pretty

when you’re not looking

do you consider me

what i’m thinking

why i stay

away

did you know that i do

your

not mine

and i’m a nobody’s girl

suffocated

by those who were looking at me looking back at them

willing then

took their kill

i stay away

even when you are looking

especially then

been bled out

i’m just a shadow of my former self

sitting pretty someplace else

..

Posted December 20, 2013 by Hot Tall Blonde in Featured, My Poetry & Journal Entries

Tagged with ,

It’s Possible   Leave a comment

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It’s Possible

Like a child in summer having arrived at the beach for the first time
I thrived, basking in the possibilities
The season could not stop me
It was November and I just turned twenty-one
It was cold, very cold in the water
Only the moonlight to find my way into the waves
My best friend waiting with a blanket when I finally came out
Nestled by the campfire my lips were blue
We laughed a lot
I was happy

I used to be so happy  .. .

oregon - florence 2

 
Life happens
you get discouraged
the disappointments

I found no time to adjust, grieve for .. . what was
.. . kept hitting me,
more hurt

I thought to still be happy
I wasn’t ready,
one,
heart-string after another
and still more
heartache & disappointment

I wasn’t expecting this for myself
Surely I could still be happy
mostly
wasn’t I?

I miss what is simple
A hand in my hand
never having to second guess
if,
when
the ironic
inevitable
break
would crush me
The lengths of lone pain .. .

But I remember what it felt like
even in cold rain alone in the dark ocean
I was happy
i was
I haven’t laughed like that in .. .
when was that last time I was in the ocean
.. . with someone waiting to warm me, even ?
there must of been someone?
it seems like it
.. . that there should be

It’s as if I’m lost somewhere else in time .. .
my time, my youth it’s lost – all but gone .
now

If just maybe still …

suppose to be different
this life happening around me
maybe, nah
I don’t think ever there was again anyway .. .
I would have remembered

… just once a love that journeyed on with me-

See, I can still find things that I’ve never done .. .
waiting for me, laughing
brimming over!

Shall I just go in the waves, moon-luminous midnight

aimlessly –

what a foolish notion,
a dream .. . to be of one I (still)  have .. .

oregon - florence south jetty

 

Love
why
must it be cloaked in sadness for me
why
should the most simple and pure of needs
not ever be found
for me ?

Why is such a wicked question.

Why? why, “why” is not the question,
“The question is not why”

.

oregon coast

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The Boy Who Sees Without Eyes – Extraordinary People   Leave a comment

The story of Ben Underwood –

This is an incredibly inspirational documentary about 14 year old blind boy who lost both of his eyes at the age of three due to retinal cancer. Driven by his willfulness and ‘can do’ attitude, led by a loving and supportive family who enables him, Ben has developed a navigational system to manuvure around his enviromnet by using echo-location.
 
Ben uses sound waves produced with his own palatal clicking which in turn reflects off  of the objects around him, much in the same as dolphins and bats genetically do; using sound to ‘see’ with. Ben is able to ride a bicycle, go rollerblading, play basketball, surf, and is an avid user of video games such game boy. He walks himself to school and interacts with family and friends as if he were actually sighted.
 
Ben’s heroic journey of profound inspiration is as fascinating as it is heartwarming. And, there is much more to Ben than meets the eye .. . he began writing his own novel when he was in the fourth grade and writes at a college level, and he types 60 wpm on a regular keyboard. His novel is Science-fiction and has completed 20 chapters. He loves Japan and is learning Japanese. Ben wants to be an inventor, a writer, an actor and video game designer.  Full of ideas – the sky is the limit for this young man, with a spirit to match!
 
 
 
 
 
 


Interview:
Pastor Wayne Cordeiro, Ben Underwood and his mother Aquanetta at New Hope.


 
 
 
 

...


I’ve Been Submerged Into Sullenness
A Dull, Unrequited Restless Hue-
That I Cannot Bear
To Think Hard Upon

Posted August 27, 2013 by Hot Tall Blonde in Uncategorized

Tagged with

The Narcissist – An Understanding Was Crucial For Me   2 comments

 The Narcissist – An Understanding Was Crucial For Me

My venture into understanding narcissism and the narcissist originated from need, by virtue of finding myself in a relationship with an individual whose behavior, actions, and logic was so distinctly different than mine, so injurious,  inconceivable, and profoundly upsetting that I began to search for information about the kinds of instances I was confronted with.

I needed a viable explanation, for what I was surrounded by and subjected to. It was something vastly confusing that dealt my psyche a real blow.

I consider myself to be well natured and reasonably sane. I’m educated, resourceful, adaptable, independent by nature, and highly intuitive with a keen sense of compassion – graced with good social skills I am able to keep my cool in most situations. Keeping my cool now took on a whole new meaning. It was as if I had stepped into the Twilight Zone; I was dealing with something very dark and evil.

Everything changed once we were actually under the same roof, and be it as it was; his roof. Immediate changes in his persona were unveiled; there were no signs of any guilt, shame, remorse, or empathy.

  •    He paid not mind to my personal wants, needs or interests. I was treated as sub-human and unless
    I was pleasing him like a servant.
  • – Upon the realization that there was really something amiss here;

that the wearing of the veil that had kept this aspect of his persona hidden, until he had controlling interest indicated to me that this was premeditated and without guilt; the change of circumstances that would negatively impact me; he would know this, and not care one iota.

  • It became overwhelmingly apparent to me that he was not interested in what was important to me. The only basis for anything to be of importance was when it served him directly or involved him in a positive light.

My reality, my existence had become both baffling and frightening. I became withdrawn and prone to anxiety. Now dependent on this person, I recognized that my life was quickly deteriorating; desperation and fear became familiar adaptations.

Without any frame of reference to the ‘absurdity’, or means to identify the scope of confoundedness evolving in my life, I felt trapped and helpless. When I would share what I was going through with a friend of mine, and I did talk about it; how could I not –  it consumed my life; even to me (hearing myself trying to explain) it sounded like a bitter and crazy begrudged  person who was only complaining about the other person in their  relationship. Crazy-

On a daily basis I learned how to best ‘adjust’ my mannerisms, my personal habits, choices, and behavior. I did so not because I felt forced to conform – yet because it was evident to me that reasoning with this person; “the narcissist” was futile, uncomfortable, demeaning, and ultimately lead nowhere in my favor- and because I wanted my ‘day’ to be as pleasant and non-confrontational as possible.

I experienced a state of ‘numbness’, finding it necessary to shield myself from internalizing the negative, rude, spiteful, condescending, often times dangerous and malicious attacks to my character and being.

Hence, I began my in-depth search for meaning and understanding regarding this, “whatever ‘it’ was” that made an individual so perplexing, maddening, cruel, insensitive, and ‘unaffected’ in life.

I kept my personal thoughts and true ‘identity’ away from this individual, offering them a ‘false me’ out of preference, a real need to, and my better judgment. I did stand up for myself, and there were several, more than heated battles, that ensued over the next three years of my life … until I was able to finally secure a residence of my own; that was four years ago.

Ultimately, although I was convinced; more of self-survival rationalizing than true belief, that I could remain unscathed and winter through that ‘period of time’ in my life. However, the consequences and detrimental effects of having lived with a narcissist have come at a great cost.

The psychological, physical, economical, and spiritual ill’s suffered while being complexly involved with an individual who, by nature, imparts such traits that one cannot otherwise be unaffected; abstaining any contact is noteworthy advise and presumably correct as well, as is the only way to not suffer harm; potentially grave harm.

The experience of having lived with a narcissist has left me damaged. Irreparable damages have been incurred, to just what extent and with respect to long-term; immeasurable.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually oppressed, suppressed, depressed, repressed … I’ve been obsessed, possessed, and regressed to the utmost excess.

aeh | H.T.B.

THE NARCISSISTS ABUSE HAS NO BOUNDARIES   Leave a comment

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