The Narcissist – An Understanding Was Crucial For Me
My venture into understanding narcissism and the narcissist originated from need, by virtue of finding myself in a relationship with an individual whose behavior, actions, and logic was so distinctly different than mine, so injurious, inconceivable, and profoundly upsetting that I began to search for information about the kinds of instances I was confronted with.
I needed a viable explanation, for what I was surrounded by and subjected to. It was something vastly confusing that dealt my psyche a real blow.
I consider myself to be well natured and reasonably sane. I’m educated, resourceful, adaptable, independent by nature, and highly intuitive with a keen sense of compassion – graced with good social skills I am able to keep my cool in most situations. Keeping my cool now took on a whole new meaning. It was as if I had stepped into the Twilight Zone; I was dealing with something very dark and evil.
Everything changed once we were actually under the same roof, and be it as it was; his roof. Immediate changes in his persona were unveiled; there were no signs of any guilt, shame, remorse, or empathy.
- He paid not mind to my personal wants, needs or interests. I was treated as sub-human and unless
I was pleasing him like a servant.
- – Upon the realization that there was really something amiss here;
that the wearing of the veil that had kept this aspect of his persona hidden, until he had controlling interest indicated to me that this was premeditated and without guilt; the change of circumstances that would negatively impact me; he would know this, and not care one iota.
- It became overwhelmingly apparent to me that he was not interested in what was important to me. The only basis for anything to be of importance was when it served him directly or involved him in a positive light.
My reality, my existence had become both baffling and frightening. I became withdrawn and prone to anxiety. Now dependent on this person, I recognized that my life was quickly deteriorating; desperation and fear became familiar adaptations.
Without any frame of reference to the ‘absurdity’, or means to identify the scope of confoundedness evolving in my life, I felt trapped and helpless. When I would share what I was going through with a friend of mine, and I did talk about it; how could I not – it consumed my life; even to me (hearing myself trying to explain) it sounded like a bitter and crazy begrudged person who was only complaining about the other person in their relationship. Crazy-
On a daily basis I learned how to best ‘adjust’ my mannerisms, my personal habits, choices, and behavior. I did so not because I felt forced to conform – yet because it was evident to me that reasoning with this person; “the narcissist” was futile, uncomfortable, demeaning, and ultimately lead nowhere in my favor- and because I wanted my ‘day’ to be as pleasant and non-confrontational as possible.
I experienced a state of ‘numbness’, finding it necessary to shield myself from internalizing the negative, rude, spiteful, condescending, often times dangerous and malicious attacks to my character and being.
Hence, I began my in-depth search for meaning and understanding regarding this, “whatever ‘it’ was” that made an individual so perplexing, maddening, cruel, insensitive, and ‘unaffected’ in life.
I kept my personal thoughts and true ‘identity’ away from this individual, offering them a ‘false me’ out of preference, a real need to, and my better judgment. I did stand up for myself, and there were several, more than heated battles, that ensued over the next three years of my life … until I was able to finally secure a residence of my own; that was four years ago.
Ultimately, although I was convinced; more of self-survival rationalizing than true belief, that I could remain unscathed and winter through that ‘period of time’ in my life. However, the consequences and detrimental effects of having lived with a narcissist have come at a great cost.
The psychological, physical, economical, and spiritual ill’s suffered while being complexly involved with an individual who, by nature, imparts such traits that one cannot otherwise be unaffected; abstaining any contact is noteworthy advise and presumably correct as well, as is the only way to not suffer harm; potentially grave harm.
The experience of having lived with a narcissist has left me damaged. Irreparable damages have been incurred, to just what extent and with respect to long-term; immeasurable.
Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually oppressed, suppressed, depressed, repressed … I’ve been obsessed, possessed, and regressed to the utmost excess.
aeh | H.T.B.
- 3 Key Tells That You’re in a Relationship With a Narcissist (psychologytoday.com)