Archive for the ‘My Poetry & Journal Entries’ Category

Unfamiliar Freedom   Leave a comment

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Unfamiliar Freedom

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To immerse oneself in
all our familiar comforts
does not set us free

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To follow only what we think
we need and want
does not set us free

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To believe with certainty
what is best for us and
strive for it
does not set you free

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To appreciate just one familiar
comfort creates a passage
with unbound freedoms

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To move past not knowing
what we need
we can be found

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To believe that any trodden terrain
has purpose for what
we need holds merit
in freedom from
certainty

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9/1/2009
aeh | HTB

 

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Posted March 4, 2014 by Hot Tall Blonde in Featured, My Poetry & Journal Entries

Tagged with

Getting Over Getting Over It   Leave a comment

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I spend most all of  my time avoiding the fact that I’m alone with no one to relate to, with no one to love, without anybody to dream and laugh with, without that special other who completely loves me, knows me, and what I need., when I need it. How to touch me, how to inspire me, motivate me, spending all of our time doing exactly what we want and need to do for ourselves, individually and carving all of the best times out for what we need and desire and lust for within each other.

I’m not so naïve to the truth of what I am hiding from,  deep inside I realize, somehow I know, I feel it, that the window of time for that special other has all but closed. The more my senses fall to the wayside, the wider that gap becomes. I must avoid my emptiness, my fear, my aloneness, my love that I did not get to give. It’s welled up inside of me for so long, with nowhere to go it eats at me and distorts me and blends the perfect hallow night  .. .         

         peacock w_me 770x207 - blog_somedays 

.. . into what was sacred and bright and full of lull to the movements of oceanic tides that have washed in from
a far to beckon our return to the sea, in the sunshine, in the grace, in the beauty, in the mystery, in the wholeness of grandeur, to reflect the sparkle of light off of the waves in the water, upon our eyes and out to the universal rays of knowing and in having and in belonging.

                                                                                        

                                        300x188                                                  

I’m in a cave now, it’s been closing in on me. I’m not full,
or bright … I need to be fed the beauty of life, to make it real again.

And I cannot hold this void in denial. The duration, as is casts loom and fears I cannot endure.

I cannot endure the thought of ending up in the galley
of the deepest, darkest, wryly, churning tides that spin without care and toss you upon the deadened sea. alone.

                                                                                          

Yet to avoid is like living blind, blind to the essence of all that I fear that I’ve lost or perhaps know that I still possess – this is a battle I must conquer, soon.

I don’t have that many “Someday’’ ‘s .

I don’t want to look back at the World without anything to hold onto, something real, .. . to caress me forevermore.

 

world luminescence - luminescent

 

aeh | H.T.B.
1/15/2014

Sitting Pretty   Leave a comment

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Sitting Pretty

when you’re not looking

do you consider me

what i’m thinking

why i stay

away

did you know that i do

your

not mine

and i’m a nobody’s girl

suffocated

by those who were looking at me looking back at them

willing then

took their kill

i stay away

even when you are looking

especially then

been bled out

i’m just a shadow of my former self

sitting pretty someplace else

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Posted December 20, 2013 by Hot Tall Blonde in Featured, My Poetry & Journal Entries

Tagged with ,

It’s Possible   Leave a comment

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It’s Possible

Like a child in summer having arrived at the beach for the first time
I thrived, basking in the possibilities
The season could not stop me
It was November and I just turned twenty-one
It was cold, very cold in the water
Only the moonlight to find my way into the waves
My best friend waiting with a blanket when I finally came out
Nestled by the campfire my lips were blue
We laughed a lot
I was happy

I used to be so happy  .. .

oregon - florence 2

 
Life happens
you get discouraged
the disappointments

I found no time to adjust, grieve for .. . what was
.. . kept hitting me,
more hurt

I thought to still be happy
I wasn’t ready,
one,
heart-string after another
and still more
heartache & disappointment

I wasn’t expecting this for myself
Surely I could still be happy
mostly
wasn’t I?

I miss what is simple
A hand in my hand
never having to second guess
if,
when
the ironic
inevitable
break
would crush me
The lengths of lone pain .. .

But I remember what it felt like
even in cold rain alone in the dark ocean
I was happy
i was
I haven’t laughed like that in .. .
when was that last time I was in the ocean
.. . with someone waiting to warm me, even ?
there must of been someone?
it seems like it
.. . that there should be

It’s as if I’m lost somewhere else in time .. .
my time, my youth it’s lost – all but gone .
now

If just maybe still …

suppose to be different
this life happening around me
maybe, nah
I don’t think ever there was again anyway .. .
I would have remembered

… just once a love that journeyed on with me-

See, I can still find things that I’ve never done .. .
waiting for me, laughing
brimming over!

Shall I just go in the waves, moon-luminous midnight

aimlessly –

what a foolish notion,
a dream .. . to be of one I (still)  have .. .

oregon - florence south jetty

 

Love
why
must it be cloaked in sadness for me
why
should the most simple and pure of needs
not ever be found
for me ?

Why is such a wicked question.

Why? why, “why” is not the question,
“The question is not why”

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oregon coast

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Moments

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Moments

Slip

So quickly by

 

Kind

When not the moments

By the wayside

left to fall

 

The perfect moment

this night did befall

Colored with humming flight

seeking nectar

Flowering tumbled colours

hillside canyon soaked in greens

Coming into the night

Valley lights shone below like crystalline-starry

 

embers banned with amber dew

 

Shared

moments that bond

sweetened by kisses

Her eyes fill

tearing


hidden by long smiles

gracious, lovingly

 

Does he know she cry’s inside

a little, ever more?

 

Captured by nature

She clung

As this will save her

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aeh | HTB
June 26, 2013

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Wind Sweeps In – Marci’s Rooftop   Leave a comment

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Wind Sweeps In


Stirs Spins Dances


Tosses Memory Shift


Stronger Brighter Playful Alive


The Day Is


Blue The Water


Sings Sparkles


Did I Forget How Beautiful It Is?


No I Didn’t Forget


It’s Because I Remember


Is What I Miss

 

Marci’s Rooftop
aeh | HTB
June 13, 2013

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mission-bay-crpnt_1

‘4’for 13 13   Leave a comment

April 13th, 2013 | 4/13/13

I

want to

go home

have a home

have a reason

be loved

have a lover

find happiness

          again

I want to be away from

the toxicity of loathing dislike

and negativity • NOT HIS fault;JT

I’m invading his home life

It’s my fault really

I hate that

no ‘honored’

friendship

I want to?

don’t want to ‘live alone’

do I, yes

don’t want to

be with

be with who?

No friends

lovers

or

desire to be with others

I’m broken

♥○ still

I don’t know

Yes I do know

I will find my way again ♥

My Mom is here for me

Reach out

and take what

you want/\deserve

in life

aeh♦

☼ 

I’m really sad tonight

weary

tired

Beaten down

lonely

frustrated – why?

Big Big Part of it

comes down to what Guy

represented; meant to me

the fact that I was let down

hurt

disillusioned & callously rejected

by THE ‘ONE’ person

who I thought really mattered

didn’t

Didn’t even bat an eye

or even look back

well

-well,

it took

me to

a dark

place

and a hurtful

empty and void place

where I’ve been

for 2 years NOW.

And I’m still hurt and mentally

relive & think about

that detachment

and devastation

I came upon 

•blocked•

I seem to be

and many different

aspects of “underlying”

painful

unloved

aloneness

owns the venue

He made a commitment

to me

And our future

and I trusted that

I

trusted

him

15 years of

what I thought was a

turn-around & blessing was

really just the final episode

that sealed my disappointments

and my loss(‘s)

standing

alone

holding the hand

of

my old age

I

am

now

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