October 29, 2011 | H.T.B.
Horrible it is,
Be it finally labeled – AND that’s fine with me …
To quantify something, find meaning, in order to identify with something, generally it has to be named or labeled. I find that to be ever so prominent with this devastating, inexplicable and debilitating disorder.
Acknowledging and explaining the reasons for your “behavior” takes on a whole new perplexity in terms of coming to have an understanding of exactly what it is your dealing with as well as giving a reasonable explanation of it, because there isn’t one. Hence, the onset may usually arise with the making of ‘little white lies’, or ‘excuses’. Rationalization will be a tool that is adopted for the benefit of sanity. Your mind will literally rationalize everything you do so that it makes ‘sense’. It is important to mention here that at no time is there an intention of not being able to do something or the belief that you cannot.
What I am talking about largely is anything that normally constitutes a regular day to day activity. Anything from making it to a Dr.’s appointment, getting to the bank, the grocery store, to work on time or even a flight at the airport has suddenly becomes a feat where you find yourself holding the status “just can’t make it”! The more pertinent and important the event is, such as a court date or a significant business meeting, the more difficult it is to ‘make it’.
Much of the actual effects that go along with this disorder can be attributed or regarded to as one who is simply irresponsible or not trustworthy, or just plain lame. Certainly one who is continually late at the expense of another who is waiting on them, goes a long way in terms of granting you with a bad reputation for not being considerate others. The act in of itself can be justified in stating to them that they are not worth your time and/or you simply could care less.
However this is so far opposite of the mindset. What I mean by that is that for the most part, apparently, the individuals inflicted with this are people who are successful, talented, educated and have had no real evidence of attributing traumas or impairments that could account for such a change of behavior. Normally these people, like myself, have always been quite capable and do not lack in intelligence or motivation.
So what is going on here? That is a question that I cannot answer within the refrains of this article here today, or one I shall attempt to tackle at this time. What I would like to do is provide you with what type inner-dialogue takes place for me and give you a brief informative run down on actual experiences that I have encountered.
What is now commonly referred to as “chronic procrastination syndrome” creates significant psychological disaccord impacting the lives of the individuals who suffer from this with significant consequences which diminishes the very quality of their life.
I would assume that most people through a manner of self-discovery in seeking answers to what is happening to them may come to find themselves, as I did, stumbling upon an article like this one or some other link of information that is available as more facts and case studies come to light.
For me, that which once was a simple ordinary every-day type task became a frustratingly frightening venture when it reared it’s ugly head to the realization that I was no longer capable of accomplishing such a simple thing. Relatively speaking, no matter what I did (or didn’t do, as the case may be) I just could not ‘”pull it off”.
It makes absolutely no sense why time after time, each time telling myself, “that was so stupid, I should know better, please “self” don’t let this happen again next time.” Yet the next time I remained in the behavior resulting in failure. In my mind I knew that if I did not ‘go now’ that I would not make it. The minutes kept ticking away and I stayed busy with another task at hand (this disorder s NOT about laziness, contraire to popular belief) remaining steadfast that all is in order.
The rationalizations gave me affirmation with an unwavering, “well I just won’t be able to stop at the bank first but that’s okay … just cut this corner, etc. etc.” providing me with necessary ‘adjustments’ which perhaps not ideal or as planned, yet certainly remain ‘do-able’ regardless.
The energy, the additional amount of time spent in the thinking of it goes unsigned as to the “knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that there is no way in hell, realistically, that I am going to make it on time anywhere” … this time. Knowing all the while that in doing so means I am going to have to pay for it with some sort of loss, period. Not to mention the anxiety, shame, and guilt!