I spend most all of my time avoiding the fact that I’m alone with no one to relate to, with no one to love, without anybody to dream and laugh with, without that special other who completely loves me, knows me, and what I need., when I need it. How to touch me, how to inspire me, motivate me, spending all of our time doing exactly what we want and need to do for ourselves, individually and carving all of the best times out for what we need and desire and lust for within each other.
I’m not so naïve to the truth of what I am hiding from, deep inside I realize, somehow I know, I feel it, that the window of time for that special other has all but closed. The more my senses fall to the wayside, the wider that gap becomes. I must avoid my emptiness, my fear, my aloneness, my love that I did not get to give. It’s welled up inside of me for so long, with nowhere to go it eats at me and distorts me and blends the perfect hallow night .. .
.. . into what was sacred and bright and full of lull to the movements of oceanic tides that have washed in from
a far to beckon our return to the sea, in the sunshine, in the grace, in the beauty, in the mystery, in the wholeness of grandeur, to reflect the sparkle of light off of the waves in the water, upon our eyes and out to the universal rays of knowing and in having and in belonging.
I’m in a cave now, it’s been closing in on me. I’m not full,
or bright … I need to be fed the beauty of life, to make it real again.
And I cannot hold this void in denial. The duration, as is casts loom and fears I cannot endure.
I cannot endure the thought of ending up in the galley
of the deepest, darkest, wryly, churning tides that spin without care and toss you upon the deadened sea. alone.
Yet to avoid is like living blind, blind to the essence of all that I fear that I’ve lost or perhaps know that I still possess – this is a battle I must conquer, soon.
I don’t have that many “Someday’’ ‘s .
I don’t want to look back at the World without anything to hold onto, something real, .. . to caress me forevermore.
aeh | H.T.B.