“The Good Guy”, The Lies, And The Scandal
Written by aeh | H.T.B.
“Keeping you by keeping you without”, that is how I referred to the many scenarios over the course of the three+ years while living with a narcissist. He would, of course, act hateful towards me yet any attempts I made to remedy that situation (removing myself from him) were thwarted by complexities that were designed and engineered by him to control me and ultimately ‘come to my rescue’ because that allowed him to be /appear to be “The Good Guy” –
After all, he was just trying to ‘help’ me and (misinformation) and I was the one who was taking advantage of him. I was the crazy ‘inept’ girlfriend that wouldn’t get out of his life. For those of you reading out there who are in a relationship with a narcissist, please be aware that they are willing to do whatever it takes to implicate you as the ‘guilty’ party, don’t doubt that for even one minute! Consider it ‘auto-pilot’ programming.
One day I stumbled upon legal court papers in which he filed with the DA claiming that I would stay up all night drinking and using drugs often becoming belligerent and abusive. Saying that I demanded money from him, “extortion” was the word he used – and the only way he could get me to stop going ‘crazy’ on him was to pay me off. He cleverly claims that he is fearful of what I might do or what I may steal as the reason he placed a deadbolt lock on his bedroom door.
He has always had a lock on his door, while not allowing me to even ‘close’ my door because it’s “his house” and I am just “a ‘guest’ and shouldn’t be treating it like I own the place.” It went on to say that he intends to press charges to the “fullest extent of the law” if this ‘elder abuse’ (he’s over 62) continues, not pressing charges at this time, rather documenting a pattern of activity that has been taking place. I could hardly believe my eyes, my jaw dropped to the floor when I discovered this!
I never let him know that I knew about it, as it would certainly serve only to fuel him into taking action rather than face being countered and found out; for who he was – never mind for his lies; a Narcissist will feel substantiated and justly correct on those accounts.
At the basis, it’s not about ‘you’ at all, what I mean by that is ‘you’ are really just a nondescript entity in their life. It is about ‘them’, all about ‘them’. And it’s twisted, and beyond trying to wrap your head around, nonetheless – it is what it is. Seems unreal- only very real (to you) – they are and always will be indifferent.
You shall also go far in remembering that you can never reason with an unreasonable person. And that’s exactly what they are, and in that respect an inevitable losing battle for you, they will win every time.
This was his scandalous remedy, the ‘answer’ that apparently cleared him, unbeknownst to me, although ‘my’ signature appeared on the summons, which I didn’t attend/because I didn’t know about it! … for an arrest earlier that year for felony domestic violence. I didn’t call the police when he flung me across the coffee table; I left.
He had been withholding money that was mine and upon asking for it he threw into a violent rage leaving me with bruises up & down my backside and chard’s of tiny glass embedded in my legs after shattering a wine glass my direction. And when I came back 48 hours later he had changed the locks, put my property in someone’s unregistered car – I came to find out later it was towed, never to see any of my belongings again. And that’s how the police got involved, I called inquiring what to do about being locked out, told I didn’t live there anymore, and that my property was gone.
The police arrived, met me outside and after a brief visit inside came back telling me that there are people asleep in ‘my bedroom’, there is nothing indicating that you live here and apparently you are just advantageously looking for a place to crash. I then said, “I can tell you that is certainly not the case, all of my property was in that bedroom yesterday and those ‘people’ in my room are his ‘false allies’.” Then I was asked, “What did happen yesterday?” A flashlight on my backside was all it took to confirm my story and again, going up to the house, asking him whether or not there was a dispute, with his admission placed him under arrest.
He locks me out, destroys (by removal my heirloom keepsakes, grandmother’s diamond earnings, my fathers’ ashes in a commemorative urn together with all the cards and letters he saved that I had mailed him over the years, in pristine condition; 25 years later – gone. My photographs and my best friend’s letter’s who also had passed on. What was left of the collection of poems I had written, my journals, a $1200 video camera, my wardrobe, and cosmetics – all that I had left were the clothes on my back when I walked out the door… And you know something, he blames me for having to go to jail (bail was posted right away) and not one lick remorseful about my property and what he did to me. After time had gone by and everything smoothed out, this is what he said, “For what you did to me, getting me arrested, hell no I don’t feel bad and I’d do it again, too.”
You have to be very ‘crafty’ with your dealing with these types. Remember, that YOU are the one who is going to suffer (has been suffering) and not him. He remains unaffected. The faster you learn this, the better equipped you are to ‘depersonalize’ yourself from this. It is not your flaws of character; it is not because you are a ‘stupid nobody that is nothing but trouble.’ What it’s really about is that they have been damaged, at an early age, and are unable, not unwilling, but unable to ‘follow the rules of conduct’ that the rest of us live by.
They are aware of being ‘different’ and sense something is wrong with them (but unable to process this; lacking the developmental capacity and the tools that most of us share) and deep down they are secretly terrified of being ‘found out’. However, you will not see them ‘break down’ or cry for your understanding – what you will see is rage, anger, turmoil and it’s transference onto you.
What indeed allows you to have feelings, they lack. Use this to your advantage. How, you ask- by empowering yourself. Keep calm. Find some time, preferably in nature, even if it’s just for a 2 block walk around your neighborhood. Go outside, breathe, relax, and ask yourself, “Do I love myself?” Say it out loud and use your name, and ask. Because no matter how alone you may feel, or think that you are, your love of self will be your saving grace. That; your higher-power; God will take you through this. You must affirm this to yourself and know it. This may be a terrible experience you are currently going through, own it; take action to move away from the sources in your life that are damaging to you, that do not resonate with what you know your core self to be; good, and kind, and loving, and worthy.
His manipulations and cruelty will NOT win out. You will now choose to believe this and to stay calm when he confronts you, is pushing your buttons, and is humiliating you or denying you a comfort or need. “So what”, that’s what he does. Protect yourself by not playing into it. He cannot read your mind. He doesn’t need to know what’s in your heart. Keep it from him, so that he cannot damage it anymore. “Play’ a role, to complacent him … because it makes your day more pleasant. Gather your wits and your strength. The rest will follow. You can do this. You do not need him; you need YOU; something that you simply cannot have so long as you are around him.
Remember the time he made you feel the worst; don’t ever forget how that feels; because that is how you will continue to feel when you remain in his life. Maybe you think ‘that shit’ is over, and that he’s actually been decent to you lately. That’s happened before, right? Guess what – it doesn’t mean anything. You’ll soon be reminded when he leaves you with that awful, horrible, terrifying feeling deep in your gut, again. The one I want you to remember, because it’s the ONLY reason you need, to know what you need to do. Shield yourself; don’t put your real feelings on the table anymore. Keep them where they are safe, all to yourself and away from him.
I used to ‘live numb’. To survive. I was playing a role, an act. It worked; better than the alternative which will consume you and keep you frightened and confused, and although impossible to deflect his damaging energy entirely, by denying submission of ‘true self’ in effect is what gave me back a sense of power; self-empowerment, psychologically and spiritually shielded from one not worthy of such a gift; away from the one who doesn’t give a damn; out of the hands of one who can only do harm, and back into mine, through the Grace of God.
I fought the battle with love; self love, faith and perseverance, and then I got out.
aeh | H.T.B.
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