Living with, through and beyond the Narcissist –
My Memoir Notations
re; man’s search for meaning –
Insensitive to or desensitized to your surroundings in order to survive it.
Defense mechanism –
re; narcissist- not insensitive to your needs, wants, or desires; to what goes
on about you; to ‘your world’ – he is actually completely “oblivious” to it, and more so, really just does not care.
Bully; threaten, intimidate, terrorize, alarm, frighten, scare, browbeat …
When nothing abound you makes any sense; and you are insistently, on all fronts ( financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and verbally abused; bemused, oppressed, suppressed & depressed – When you actually start to question your own judgments, thinking, and reasoning abilities; evaluative and determinative means; your previously known sensibility as in regards to an event that just took place that’s when you will realize and say, “nah, he really just did that, said that, and I am not in error here” but, “how could that be so!?”
It is a ghastly and dissociative experience that quickly equates to utter confusion and an upright stark realization that you are indeed not the person who has the reasoning dysfunction – yet dysfunctional is all around you. I found myself dashing to hide under the dining room table while quickly shutting off a light, me and my handy-dandy-lil flashlight in hand. Pulling the tablecloth down low and breathing ever so quietly whenever I heard him stomping to and fro yelling out my name and barking, “you son of a bitch, what a lousy son of a bitch”. I was not opposed to hiding stealthy in a closet or behind a door either. Knowing that if I was to have a confrontation at that time that the ‘okay’ day that I had made for myself would suddenly turn miserable.
My motto was, “how miserable do you want your day to be?” followed by ” as pleasant as possible”. I hid “me” away and gave him some character of another person. I did this for two reasons, one was because myself, the real me could never stomach such objectionable absurdity and unnecessarily twisted cruel and disturbing bullshit and the other was because it was plain easier to give him a version of a person that he wanted me to be, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to be “ME”, that I would give him. Never would I compromise myself like that … or so I thought as I ‘sold myself out’ thinking I could handle it.
I felt trapped, but I had put myself into that position (albeit unknowingly) and damned if I wasn’t going to find me a way out of it … sooner or later … and still try to come out only slightly unscathed. And for the time being it sure as hell beat living on the street; literally- so to speak. Pretty much sorta kinda mostly.
Then the nights when he was in a kindlier mood, he would find me with my false smiles and obligatory obliging pleasantries. And there you have it, “providing myself with the most pleasant and kind to myself day as I possibly could. Yes, the alcohol and drugs helped me to cloud over the numbness that I provided myself to live with (exist in) until that one fateful day I could return to being “me”.
I lost valuable time. Lost much. Much loss. “There must be a reason”, even for that, “all those tears with hopes lying dormant”, I’d reason with myself. I never lost faith in that, so even though it may have appeared and felt hopeless, there was purpose. Acceptance of a not-so-ideal, yet temporary fall from Grace; well life’s like that and sometimes, “It is what it is”.
I’d never loose faith. I loved myself, faults, scars and yes perhaps some real regrets too. We all have our ‘stories’ in life. Let’s rise up even in darkness of the precious days that we do have. LOVE, whatever we do or don’t ‘know about the meaning to which – somehow it just seems to be a perfect word.
Now, back to the story … Ah, ‘what’s the use living sane in an insane world’ – what a cop out. Even I could not sell that one to myself.
Oh, and on topic: sense of humor; “highly under-rated”.
You cannot reason with unreasonable. It is an ugly, defaming and deformed architect – The Narcissists World. And I was living it. Sane ..or was I?
It was, and never ceases to amaze me how real the unreality of it was. It was certainly not what I ever could imagine doing; spending so much time; my life’s valuable time in a ‘space of existence’ of that being so utterly of what I am not – of what I am about; my essence – It is not my world, but .. . damned if I wasn’t there in it – that madness of utter decay. Just because a person is incapable of empathy or genuine dna w.t.f. – they are still responsible for what they do – damages.
I referred to this period of time in my life to “Living Numb” to preserve self. A word of advise, “logically you may tell yourself that it really doesn’t matter” and that you can ‘live in their mind’ while still holding true to yours (they never the wiser in knowing) and when your armed with the resources and opportunities to do so can and will suddenly ‘leap’ free … none the lesser scarred. (you’ll be lucky to still be holding onto your right frame of mind at all .. . in the end).
Because why? Because it does matter!. And you just sold yourself short. Sold yourself out, and in the end it really didn’t matter at all to them; they actually are oblivious to your world; and their hand in it as it harmed. And damages were incurred – plenty.
What makes this type of reality of unreal proportions even more cruel is this,”that if you try to explain this behavior or relationship
or ‘period of time’ to anybody, and I do mean anybody even your best buddy, that you will be the one who sounds demented, weak, scathingly absurd and hateful!
True, truth be told, and you will only realize this once you attempt to do the telling. Realizing its insurmountable queerness that while in mid storyline you shall see the proverbial writing on the wall and just shake your head in dismal dismay. That is just the nature of it.
Can you say double-triple whammy? “Can I possibly trade my own time of self- analysis and treatment (not to mention hours upon hours hunting down any and all material about “just who the hell is this kind of person and what have I gotten myself into anyway?” and, more importantly; just how the hell do I get myself out of it!) … for the salary of a specialized psychiatrist?
When in actuality you no longer have jack-shit and you are starting all over again; from ground zero [not to be confused with all the numerous ‘ground-zero’s; he’ll knock you down to] with nothing (so to speak) in your life.
Just getting out of the starting gate on that one can exhaust you alone; financially, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and socially and that years, and I mean precious years, of your life have just grown over you.
This is where I was at.
Yet there’s more, … isn’t there always?
Just when you think “does it get any better than this in life”? … “I mean, can it get any better than this?”? and it “just keeps getting better” ‘[not]’ and you go on saying, “oh the joy”~
… to be continued …
I you are per chance reading this (part of a series) for the first time and happen to be in a relationship such as this, a word to the wise; never, and I mean never forget when your worst moment of reality comes to be and they have made you feel complete raving mad with lunacy and hate, “remember it, not for one minute ever forget that feeling. He may ‘get nice’ for a while and things may seem smooth sailing BUT you’ll be suffering that same hateful feeling again when you least suspect it. Of this I can guarantee you.
Please do yourself a favor and don’t ever forget that moment and tell yourself this; no matter what he ever says, “It really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t mean anything.”
Save yourself. And/or live numb to save yourself for when you can finally leap free.