Share Your Narcissism Experience
Where to start?
Trying to get an understanding to just “what in the ‘hell’ is ‘this’ person and what have I gotten myself into?” And, “How can I deal with it, now that I have to” (finding ways to cope) & most importantly, “Just how the Hell can I get out of this!”?
Now, you may not actually realize it from having relations with the person in question until they have you where they want you (without means) and they are in complete control. THEN, yes, it will be evident and revealed to you (not consciously on their part) it just ‘is’. ~ There is something really wrong with this persons way of thinking and acting and that their treatment of you is ‘unacceptable”, “unbelievable”, and “despicable” – evil even.
My ‘story’ is probably unlike most in the fact that I wanted out from the get go! In one sweeping moment on the very first day, and against my better judgment, of having agreed to live with him I knew that there was something terribly wrong. He was commanding and dictating, abrupt and dismissive. He didn’t care about how I felt and took no notice of anything wrong with his temperament or reasons for treating me like a ‘red-headed- step-child’. No longer was he smiling, giggling and making jokes, gone were his manners and concern for what I may want, or need.
I knew it in one instant starting with him yelling at me to, “pack your shit and get the fuck out!” He left to go to 7/11 and get some beer and I thought I would grab a shower and get my lotions, hair and make-up done for the starting of the 4th of July weekend, get a jump on any personal things I wanted to do so that he wouldn’t be ‘waiting on me’. All because I had locked the security-screen door upon my getting into the shower – that was all it took for him to flip out and literally yell at me to get out of his life. He acted like I had done a terrible injustice or committed a fatal error of judgment. How absurd, “are you kidding me?” I thought. I was being berated for protecting myself from any number of possible crimes an intruder could embark upon. And not just scolded, full-blown loud hostile venom was being spewed at me and he was telling me to ‘get out’, knowing full well I did not have any way to do so. Huh! Yeah, frozen in a moment of splintering silence I held my tongue. My mind drawing a blank as to any logic why a man would dare act in such a way, especially considering that it took him months of persistently convincing me to agree to come live with him.
This is not the kind of behavior that I would ever stand for or that anyone would think of as a good indication towards living together, and we had not even got to the new house yet. This took place at his parent’s old home which had been vacant for nearly two years. Needless to say I never even made it outside to make use of the swimming pool. I did not go the 3 blocks to the beach over the weekend and the only fireworks that I saw were the ones spinning in my head like daggers in his direction.
After the initial shock and confrontation I went about gathering my 2 or 3 overnight bags and asked him to call a taxi. He didn’t react and let it blow over then was called outside by some of the neighbor kids who wanted to know if they could use the pool. I didn’t feel exactly sociable at this time and he never bothered to come to apologize or talk to me. I felt completely sad and alone. This is not how I would choose to spend my time, yet
I alone found myself sentenced to this dreary awkward existence; between “now here” to “nowhere”.
I even went so far as to ‘play dead’ in an attempt to show him how he made me feel. I finished my shower, put on a bikini and concocted a potion of ‘blood’ using catsup and BBQ sauce. In one of the spare rooms off of the bath I spread out a beach towel and smeared the ‘blood’ onto my chest, midsection, and down one side. I had picked some daisies earlier and made sure that some of them were splattered with some of the ‘blood’ as well and that my buck knife was in view.
I stayed that way for so long before he even bothered to check on me that I had time to smoke a few cigarettes and have a few beers. With the day more than half over I was beginning to fall asleep when he came in calling out my name a few times. I remained quiet, deathly quiet. He came over to me, knelt down and pinched my nose closing off my airway. This was his way of finding out if I was really dead or not! Unreal!
He never said he was sorry for hurting my feelings like that and he didn’t care one bit that we didn’t do a damn thing on a beautiful day … most of my beautiful days would be lost in futile battle over just trying to achieve in having one over the next 3 ½ years of my life — until I finally broke free and could start my life over.
I wrote a poem on that first day September 1, 2009 entitled ‘Unfamiliar Freedom’ I shall include it following my story.
… . ..
Ours was not based on a mutual ‘his/her’ loving couple ‘relationship’, not in the traditional sense. He met me on a phone dating line in which others could conceivably meet for a casual ‘hook-up’. We met regularly for over a period of 8 months.
We were going to be moving into a house that he just bought. Although his condo was still in escrow he was able to pay for another house in full with cash. I knew that he had a Family Trust and has some money, which also gave me no reason to believe that he wouldn’t be keeping his word about the financial agreement that we had.
There was a move-out clause which consisted of $2,000 for me to use if it did not work out and I needed to move. In addition to that having been established he had agreed to pay me $500/week as his companion and partner to accompany him down to Scorpion Bay Mexico where he was building a retirement house.
I never saw any of that. I had no money to move.
Now here I am with ‘Jay’- ‘client’, ‘mutually beneficial arrangement’, my ‘friend by proxy’ in which he held all the cards and I stepped right into it—I had absolutely no cash on hand of my own, I did not own a car, or have any savings, nor was I employed.
The, “my” Nightmare began. …