January 1st 2012 …

January 1st, 2012

My feet are cold, my spirit long and damp lost in intermittent thoughts of past, much of it engrained deeply then forced to lie dormant & numb~ hidden away I try to keep it … the pain of it – too much pain.

My feet so cold again now  … with what after all I had just gotten my slippers on, a mere year and a half  in having roots of home – my sanctuary finally realized from having just spent ONE long-ass day that lasted over 5 years out in the cold & bare world that I had fallen to.

The place where you are denied living from within your own is only a borrowed space for one to be. And as only a borrowed space can be is one where you are never free ~ living from within your own is only but a dream.

So many days spent alone crafting myself  back into the person I needed to be due to what I had denied myself  with the pattern of living numb – a necessity it was for me, else surely would of destroyed me, my integral me  … meant I had a lot of catching up to do just to arrive at ‘even-keel’. I was growing more and more and never gave up hope (not throughout this whole journey of what comprised itself of nearly 10-11 years-never giving up hope and knowing that I would make it) … seems tragic waste all those days, the self-sacrifices I made for “self” … as I can no longer say that I see a future paved on knowing there is one.

The time has come to resolve in resolve, it’s all far too etched in stone- forevermore. Much of what is there I have no need of holding onto …   it’s of no use- not in the wanting, needing, or of any desire in even remembering … the pain of it – too much pain.

Most of what is there turns my insides sour & keeps me discordant ‘err tormented and unfulfilled- my ‘once upon a time’ stories all ending before the ‘Happily Ever After’. I will tell myself that the best is yet to come- truth is I’ve already missed most of my life and there is nothing that I can do about that – that’s just the way it is. What I can hope for and move towards must be of all that’s new,  …  not much worth holding onto  ~ a treasured memory?  Is there? … I can hardly see how.

Maybe when I change all of it won’t matter because I will be viewing things differently. Nothing much matters when the scars are all that you’re left with and the possibilities yet to come are void of youth’s energetic passions and vitality- for I am old now too – and that’s just the way it is.

And what I know is of starting over, no happy endings, alone against the world and starting over- I think I’d rather not go through that all again. More painful loss – I think I’ll pass this time.

The pain of it ~ too much pain.



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