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April 13th, 2013 | 4/13/13

 

 

 

 

I

want to

go home

have a home

have a reason

be loved

have a lover

find happiness

          again

I want to be away from

the toxicity of loathing dislike

and negativity • NOT HIS fault;JT

I’m invading his home life

It’s my fault really

I hate that

no ‘honored’

friendship

I want to?

don’t want to ‘live alone’

do I, yes

don’t want to

be with

be with who?

No friends

lovers

or

desire to be with others

I’m broken

♥○ still

I don’t know

Yes I do know

I will find my way again ♥

My Mom is here for me

Reach out

and take what

you want/\deserve

in life

aeh♦

☼ 

I’m really sad tonight

weary

tired

Beaten down

lonely

frustrated – why?

Big Big Part of it

comes down to what Guy

represented; meant to me

the fact that I was let down

hurt

disillusioned & callously rejected

by THE ‘ONE’ person

who I thought really mattered

didn’t

Didn’t even bat an eye

or even look back

well

-well,

it took

me to

a dark

place

and a hurtful

empty and void place

where I’ve been

for 2 years NOW.

And I’m still hurt and mentally

relive & think about

that detachment

and devastation

I came upon 

•blocked•

I seem to be

and many different

aspects of “underlying”

painful

unloved

aloneness

owns the venue

He made a commitment

to me

And our future

and I trusted that

I

trusted

him

15 years of

what I thought was a

turn-around & blessing was

really just the final episode

that sealed my disappointments

and my loss(‘s)

standing

alone

holding the hand

of

my old age

I

am

now

♀

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February 16, 2011 | H.T.B.

I feel like a soldier wrought from the wars of self-sanctity, … generally a losing battle – particularly considering the playing field consists of those who have no vested interest regarding your plight, nary even concerned with your continuer of existence.

I’m parched with disdainful drought. An inner wreck of discarded treasures tainted with false identities from those of you who have presented yourselves otherwise.

A bleak and pathetic message peripherally echoing demise and overall decay. The influence of which leaves me in dismay, a solemn soul; not with scorn, rather like lacking of evidence in finding  reason and motivation to seek out my souls true joy.

Left forever tampered and lone to the cold realities, the realities in which I prefer to elude from.

Solace should not be such an isolating endeavor. The pleasures which are most rewarding however,
involve caring and loving for another and being loved and cared for in return.

Why must this plight dissolve into battle for my right to keep even my dignity from your oblivious and cruel noose? For I feel like the absolute “Loneliest Girl in the World” who has been all but mercilessly strangled at the very hands I trusted to keep sanctity over my life!

This sadden state of affairs leaves me perplexed and deficient in terms difficult to convey with words.

What you believed yourself to be protecting, the purer nobility of preserving loyal command of love, yet determined may soon be without, you leap. Fearful self doubts that haunt you, the ones that have always haunted you, hiding from them will not set you free. For as well those to remain burrowed childishly as if some secret, you also now own the burden of doing so at my expense in the destruction of my will & purity of nature.

You did this without a mere peep of disclosure. Notwithstanding the actual sins that you have committed against me, how can you reign triumphant?

Be as if you were blind to what you had, I must question your success of ever finding what you think you need. Just as I am left with the puzzlement in ever finding what so simple of need and desire I have wriggling restlessly inside.

Days turn to memories and memories to moments lost in time. These are the times of your  … life.

I want as many good memories that I can possibly find, this is of course true in that I want this for all, not selfish to think my needs, desires and comfort are any more pertinent than any others’.

Love and the souls Solace should abound.
~
aeh | February 15, 2012

~

discontent

                                                                                 disconnected

                                                                                       from everything

                                                                                                 I had

         ripped up from the roots

                             violated      disfigured

                                    displaced

                       disposed of

                                                                                                  and left for

                                                                                                                   dead

                                                                     is what it feels like

        stripped of everything near & dear to me

                                                                                    vital

                                                                                                             serene

                                    private

                                                                                                                            shrouded

                                                                                          riddled with bullets

                                                                                            thrown by the wayside

                                                                            stripped naked and bare

                                                                                       not a a soul to even just

                                                                 sit with    ..  .    for an hour

                                                                           an afternoon  ..  .  a day    ..  .  a night

all through the day & all through the night I am alone

       completely   alone    all    of     the     time.

7/17/2011

.

Under The Bus Where He Left Her

“A true life account of the inadequacy between a man’s lustful desires              

And his deceit    .. .      When push comes to shove “

                              

 
Carefully plotted and analytical are his tactics, with only one true goal does he have in mind

…  To capture her for his use, his very selfish needy and bent reality ~

Not without outright boldface lies, if that is what it takes to keep her at bay, to keep her from discovering that he is not in genuine sync with the image in which he has been portraying to her.

Keeping her always at a cool distance from ever discovering his true identity and in doing so he denies her a just and fair relationship to her very surroundings. Sought after like prey in his captivation, a coat of any colors shall suffice his character as best to fool to her judgments.

While taking in the splendor of developing love she shares of herself honestly with depth and intrinsic truths … she never the wiser to know.

There will be an occurrence that naturally presents disaccord in a fashion be taken into account for given the foundations of his fiber that have already been laid out.

When daunting as peculiar far fetched counter-inconsistency she realizes that his mood, character and behavior are not matching anything close to the norm of expected toleration’s and quite, as matter of fact, nowhere near hitting their mark.

There shall be no answers, just ignorance as culpability together with “oblivious?”

Leaves her no other indicators except the one’s that are sounded blatantly and eerily off with pitch-tossed upon her doorstep.  So suddenly what ‘couldn’t be’ changed to ‘ever obvious’.

Horrifically she must denounce that she has been duped and the grand visage is unveiled.

Another rat-bastard has been exposed.

The fair lady always left to pick up the pieces and brush herself off with unsettling nausea and disdainful disgust.

aeh/gm | 2011

…

I AM STILL JUST STILL NOT ABLE TO INGEST IT,. not really ~ not at all.

Not yet  …  it’s just so disheartening.  To the amass of bafflement when it comes to Guy Mosier  . . .  

With such  disbelief and an utter empty pit in my stomach that reeks and makes me sour to languish the thought of such wicked cruelty ~Not nay expected from the hand of your lover. Not in a billion years would I ever have thought.

Linger where exactly you ask?  …  “On that whole 10 ton ball of shit that from out of nowhere (straight out of the blue) landing directly square on my world”.  This ‘package’  …  unwarranted, traumatic, and devastating was delivered by him with all the detached mannerisms of a casual messenger who had gone out of their way to ‘host’ you as it were  … as if that weren’t enough!  …

He scooted this ‘too unreal to even imagine and too big to wrap your mind around’  …  yet at the same time ~ … just like that ~  in one fell swoop  …  my whole life just became wiped of f the face of the planet … heap a shit at me with such an aloof coolness never looking me directly in the eye nor providing any signs of compassion what so ever.  I stood blind-sighted simultaneous to  keen-ever- so- aware of  …  the horrible implications that that meant  …  all of it  …
in one  brief moment  …  with the occasion of snipers bomb hidden under some stray shoe.

What he must of thought of as his final customary ‘duty in arms’ to clear and free him of such plague  …  this  unwanted obligatory and peripheral annoyance was all it amounted to him now,  finished, now his load  lighter …   he was freed  … …

It was as if I stepped into another world …   “How can”, no “who is this person I thought I knew and loved anyway?”
I was no longer familiar with any one thing (or mind of reason) in this world as I knew it. Right there and then,
in that whispering moment ~ everything was gone.

My, my,  …  me oh my — and he could walk away now with his hands free and clear, no longer his concern anymore.  The burden it must of been for him–the poor suffering bastard … after all he had his hands full with what he wanted and needed to be doing . .. in his world.

Never the mind he just shoved what was my sanctuary straight down my gullet with nothing more than a World of Hurts to go along with it.

So, I’m just not able to, yet …

I’ve got to get a business up and going and find a ” Small Palace ” ~

love ~e 2 me